Unstuck

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Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed by the chaos that is motherhood. The screaming teething baby, the four year old who has all of the questions, the floor that needs to be mopped AGAIN…I whisk myself away into this lie of thinking “If I could only have the quiet back…”. What a lie... 

I am a self proclaimed introvert. I love being by myself. I enjoy the quiet. I like not having the pressure to “perform” for anyone. I have always preferred nights on the couch, by myself with a bowl of pasta and a good movie rather than going out and being with people. So motherhood for me, especially lately, has been overwhelming... to say the least. But oh man has it brought me closer to my Jesus. 


Since September we, as a family of four, have been hit with one sickness after another. RSV, Flu, ear infections, unknown viruses, more ear infections, and the latest being COVID. We have been faced with some difficult decisions as a result of that sickness and through prayer and relying on The Lord we have made those decisions and have found some relief. With continued prayers we trust that The Lord is healing all of us in His perfect way. 


I absolutely love my role as a mama and consider this job the most important job that I have. It is the greatest responsibility I could ever be given, to disciple little souls and point them to Jesus. My children are a beautiful blessing from God and I love them with such a depth that is truly indescribable. However, I have been selfish during these past few months. It has been really hard to find the joy in these moments because they have been heavy. I have found my introverted self thinking “If I only I could have the quiet back…”. What a lie...


I was convicted tonight…broken in a way that only Jesus could restore. I was so caught up in self pity and realizing that I had gotten my quiet but I didn’t want it. I pulled up Hulu, Netflix, YouTube trying to fill a void but, it just wasn’t right…I couldn’t get settled. 


So, with reluctance I listened to a message from a well known passage of scripture in Luke 7:36-50. Lisa Harper spoke on the passage where Jesus is anointed by a sinful woman. This woman was not invited to the party, immoral by society’s standards, but she went and was so overwhelmed by Jesus that she washed his feet with her tears and her hair. She was bold and did something that was not accepted by her peers and was blessed immensely by the Savior. I love the way Lisa paints the picture of this passage by saying “Jesus gazes at her while speaking to Simon the Pharisee and says ‘Your sins are forgiven’”. Can you just imagine being looked at by The Savior in the way He looked at this woman? This is the image that shook me to my core. He does look at me like that. He looks at me with pure wonder, love, and amazement because He is so in love with me. I was even more amazed when I was reminded that He has that love for me, the woman who washed His feet, for my husband, for my two children and for every single person on this Earth. Intimate, pure, unfailing, unconditional love. 


This message was titled “Going Uphill to Get Unstuck” which is why I clicked on it….I felt stuck in this rut…this lie that I was believing about this time in my life. Before the message even began God broke my heart for my selfish attitude. I confessed to Him and I believe that because of that my eyes were opened to the message He had for me. I am so overwhelmed by the goodness of God and that even in my selfishness he looks at me with love and wonder and says, "Your sins are forgiven." 


I don’t want to go back to the quiet….not truthfully. Those words were lies spoken from the devil to distract me from God's goodness. What I really want is for God to use me and He is. He is teaching me and molding me. He is making me into exactly what he needs me to be for His kingdom. At this point in my life, that means taking care of my little people in all of their loud, messy, clingy glory. I know that I was meant to be alone in this room tonight, not to curl up with a bowl of pasta and watch a movie but to meet with my Father. So that He could strip me of who I am…and make me more like Him. I am so thankful for the love of My Savior that it is intimate enough to know and understand my selfish desires while at the same time being so vast that He does the same thing for us ALL and covers every single one of those sins with His precious blood. 



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